First things first: one more semester of school done! Two more to go. That is more frightening than it should be.
Ok, I know not a whole lot of people read my blog, which is probably good. Once in a while I can just have a more journal-ish entry and not feel too bad that I'm boring people TO DEATH. After all, one of the reasons I started this is because I'm terrible at keeping an actual journal. So if you're reading this, bear with me this once, k? K.
I've got a lot of things happening lately, like most college students. My summer will be a bit different than most, though. I'm not going back "home" (Alaska will always be a home, but right now it's not where I belong. And it probably won't be for a few years at least). I'm not going overseas either. I'm staying in my college town and hopefully working a job that pays more than minimum wage. I stayed last summer too. When I first starting thinking about this summer, and remembering last summer, I was stressed and bummed for a number of reasons. Most of my friends are gone already. Basically all I did last summer was try to survive. I worked and I went home and did not much of anything.
So in my finals-week sleep deprived state, I thought about important things. DON'T EVER DO THIS WITHOUT SLEEP IT'S HORRIBLE. I thought: I actually probably have more reasons to dread this summer. I have considerably less money than ever before. I have the pressure of creating an art portfolio worth something before the start of next semester. A person I'm just getting to know is going to be leaving the country for a few months, which will most likely make me more of a nervous wreck than I already am.
Then I got some sleep. I haven't really gotten a whole lot of sleep all semester, so this was even more fantastic sleep than normal, despite the fact I woke up at 6AM on my own. Stupid brain. SO with this new refreshed outlook, I thought about the summer again, and tried to organize and plan in my head. I started to find positive things. I will find work, I'm sure. I've lived off of next to nothing for quite some time now, so I shouldn't even have worried about that in the first place. Besides work I won't have much I HAVE to do, and no friends to distract me, so I can spend plenty of time building art skills and a portfolio, and then by golly I will show the people that doubt me! Also I'll have time to run and exercise, and be able to plan out good meals instead of Red Baron frozen pizzas all the time. I'll still worry whether I'm handling the fledgling relationship properly, especially long-distance, but I will always worry about that to some degree. I guess I can just do my best there, and hope to goodness there are no attractive young men within 100 miles of her, right?
I have a point here. I could look at these next few months with two different outlooks. A year or so ago, I probably would have been the pessimist and just put on my mask of apathy and/or grumpiness and just struggled through it. Luckily I've made some improvements to how I view things since then. I can start to see the potential for this summer. It doesn't mean I'm not still nervous about a few things, but overall I'm excited! I get to shape parts of my life, things that would be a lot more difficult to do in many other situations.
Every clouds have silver linings, but you're not forced to see them. You have to look.
